Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.

I put the p in pants.

Wife: We’re going to have a baby!

Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?

Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human

It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”

The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…

Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.

if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE

how to fall down a long set of stairs:

step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26

Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch

My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process

Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.

*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco

HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.

-I say as I climb through your window

Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”

Barista: …

Barista: …

Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”

Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?

Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”

According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch

but I can’t throw my chair at him

My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.

Me: I’m on a diet.

Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.

Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.

Me: Can I take a peak?

Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?

Me: *steals the top of a mountain*

Yoga Matt

If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership

My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.

I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.

You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.

Socialising is hard.

8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*

Being an adult is stupid.

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

Let me play you the song of my children.

*open and closes door 20 times*

I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.

Dear Diary—

Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?