Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions

What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.

What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.

so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement

NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down

We couldn’t just…..find their homes?

Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do

“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early

I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.

Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.

Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?

Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!

kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am

My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.

Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.

News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.

But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.

“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:

5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)

my mom: you still coming over today?

me: definitely

mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—

me: i cant make it

Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?

I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.

Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house

Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.

Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave

If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.

I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.

HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.

1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED

astronaut: houston come in

houston: this had better be important

astronaut: it’s urgent

houston: fine what

astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float

*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*

*skinny dips to be on the safe side*

Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.

There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.