Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

World: What’s the date?

America: Well first and most importantly it’s June

Kid: why do cookies look so happy?

Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked

Kid: I wanna get baked

Me: me too kid… me too

Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night

7: I want to be next to you

Me: Aww that’s so swee…

7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag

Me:

Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.

Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE

Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house

me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree

my cat: *whispering* and also within

customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames

“What’d you do this weekend?”

I was shooting craps.

“Oh you went to a casino?”

*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.

Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework

Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?

Me:

Prof:

Me: it took him a couple bytes

Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.

*accidentally answers phone call*

*pretends to be answering machine*

My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.

Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.

DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2

REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries

[guy next to me at urinal]

“Is that a 5 or 6?”

…about 5-1/2 I guess.

“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”

*zips up* No.

I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me

A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.

What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.

Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?

He died doing what he loved: being alive

Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?

Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.

A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.

Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.

Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.

I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught

Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more

Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?

Causes of childhood anxiety:

4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs

I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed