[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
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My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
When you kidnap a writer.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document