Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

-Ordering a pizza $40

-Having it delivered $5

-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home

Sliceless

My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.

i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table

Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.

if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo

What I say: Maybe.

What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.

Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started

Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks

I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree

Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.

My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy

My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.

Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.

The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.

These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.

Got fired from my job at the zoo because I kept trying to wax the turtles

RT if you could go either way.

Twitter remains undefeated

I don’t understand what’s happening here.

As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.

Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct

I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.

My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.

office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance

thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess

If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.

We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee

At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.