[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
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[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.