[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
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ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Lmbo
ready to be harvested
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
“Whistle while you work”
~The boogers in my nose
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
me 2 months after i graduated
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”