[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
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Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Who needs an Air Fryer?
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Happens to everyone.
