[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
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ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.