Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.

[watching a movie]

Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?

Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor

Me:

Him:

Me: *eyes narrow*

Him: *eyes narrow*

*both start frantically googling*

“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.

It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…

friend: your name badge is on upside down

Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure

Bilbo: no

Gandalf: can i come in for tea

Bilbo: also no

Gandalf: dinner with my friends?

Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me

Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want

Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow

millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to

Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?

Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat

Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!

Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly

Landscaper: sounds like bullshit

Farmer: yes exactly

*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no

ouch

People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes

FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great

ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?

FRIEND: Sure

ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris

My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars

It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.

STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU

No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.

Ha

The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.

Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?

Me: when you’re a parent, you just no

Just me and my debit card against the world

I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never

The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene

#dnd

Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise

good morning

i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it

[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?