@jjhartinger

[Commercial for Disneyland]

Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?

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@DrakeGatsby

The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude

@Book_Krazy

*In the elevator*

Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?

Me: No. We’re just friends

Guy: ….

@Sickayduh

What color do you think Eddie Smurphy was?

Blue, you racists

@hipstermermaid

1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!






2015: Taco Emoji!

@TheMichaelRock

Coworker: Do you party?

Me: Well I do schedule two nights a month that I stay up past 11pm. So yeah.

@TheCatWhisprer

Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.

@uhhhhhoksure

People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.

@panmidwest

ME: you really put the cute in executione-

WARDEN: alright hit the switch