[Commercial for Disneyland]

Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?

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The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude


*In the elevator*

Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?

Me: No. We’re just friends

Guy: ….


What color do you think Eddie Smurphy was?

Blue, you racists


1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!

2015: Taco Emoji!


Coworker: Do you party?

Me: Well I do schedule two nights a month that I stay up past 11pm. So yeah.


Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.


People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.


ME: you really put the cute in executione-

WARDEN: alright hit the switch