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@jjhartinger: [Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
@mommajessiec: I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
@reesespiece_: The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
@therealeatwood: “…and silk so fine, Sire, that fools cannot even see it.”
EMPEROR: So idiots can see through my clothes? That sounds completely acceptable.
@WheelTod: [Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said...
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
@Sean_Burgundy_: Just for once I wanna be able to say "It wasn't my fault" without 4 people breaking down why it was my fault