[Commercial for Disneyland]
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I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
oh shit
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
AM I BEING GASLIT????
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand