Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”

Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.

I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.

people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.

Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?

Him: No

Me: So you’re a liar?

Him:

Me:

Him: Nice yoga pants

Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!

[crashing my bike]

spin class instructor: how did you do that

if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?

Kids: What’s for supper?

Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE

if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England

Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.

It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo

My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite

ME: this isn’t curing anything

SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds

ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it

And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year

If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape

“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.

*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!

Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%

God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.

Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.

Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?

alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?

alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death

alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible

If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money

*being mugged*

me: “im warning you, i know karate”

mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.

me: let’s change your diaper

2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!