Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.

She’s such an idiot.

First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count

Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that

Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.

There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.

There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.

I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.

Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right

Still my favorite television listing of all time:

Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander

friend: edible kick in?

me [washing my hands]: not yet

friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?

My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.

my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.

[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*

I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.

Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed

I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭

911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now

Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.

me: return of the mack.

cashier: receipt of the mack?

I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.

“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”

[BOOPS nose]

COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.

I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.

Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it

My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.

I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes

My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.

I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.

“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.

Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.

I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!