[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
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*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.