Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*

Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?

I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.

New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.

[calendar naming committee]

BOSS: how should we spell the second month

GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea

4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?

(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)

Me: Do you want to look like a taco?

4: Yes!

Me: You look exactly like a taco.

I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed

idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page

[kid, about to do something stupid]

ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.

[puts puppy in microwave]

[googles instructions for making hotdogs]

[quickly releases puppy from microwave]

what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.

I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.

I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.

And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!

One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.

careful fellas!

when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.

I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.

My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”

Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.

Them:

Me: damn I picked a good spot.

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because of my hobby?

wife: yes

me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”

100% of divorces begin with marriage.

I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.

Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.

[harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind

83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.

Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too

Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??

Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy

ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids

[Sesame Street casting]

Director: We need role models for the kids

“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”

Director: Anything else?

“Two jobless roommates”

Director: First of all I love it