[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
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*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
how it started vs how it ended
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.