Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.

The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.

Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.

Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.

me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure

Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok

Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.

If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?

He died doing what he loved: being alive

[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*

Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.

I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?

Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place

Cauliflower has a good publicist.

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.

My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs

realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some

“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.

Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.

in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on

Saw online –

big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.

The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?

The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.

-Come on, it’s time to go

-No

-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!

I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF

My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.

me: uhhh what did you do?

9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!

me, too, girl. me, too.

TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese

ME: Treese

HER: I hate you

5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?

Me: Ye-

Husband: NO MORE BABIES.