[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
You Might Also Like
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Spotted in New Orleans.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*