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*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
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I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.