Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: How come we never do anything fun?

Me: We went to an amusement park..

5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago

Me: It was yesterday

I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”

[Takes dog to park]

*waits for romantic comedy to begin

seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.

Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.

Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.

what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open

At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.

Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭

SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.

WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!

This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean

*Arrives at airport checkin*

Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!

-Ticket please

Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]

A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”

I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy

I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings

I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)

If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.

dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

A satisfactory.

I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.

Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee

Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

*hears someone breaking into my house*

Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!

America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.

“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”

-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing

Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.

Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave

My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.

Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.