{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
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Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point
My wife thought I was going to the gym because I left in sweatpants, with a sweat towel and a gallon of water.
I was going to the all you can eat Chinese buffet.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal