Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I’m having a dry party.

Me: Sorry, I’m busy.

Her: You don’t even know when.

Me: You don’t even know me.

[first Captain to go down with the ship]

Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.

Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]

When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”

I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.

I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat

Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.

FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.

BABY: {saying first word} Mama.

FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.

robbers: [leaving with my tv]

me: WAIT

robbers:

me: can you close the door

Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of

I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy

The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.

wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”

You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie

Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it

under no circumstances will my brother take the L

Good questions to ask on a first date:

*Do you have any siblings?

*What was your major in college?

*Is that your original skin?

*Do you think the humans suspect anything?

*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?

*What kind of music do you like?

Etc.

People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.

I like to call those people liars.

There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.

I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house

new career option?

Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean

Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.

Noah: A boat?

God: Yes.

Noah: Two of every animal?

God: Yes.

Noah: I have a better idea.

God: What.

Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.

I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”

as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit

[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.

What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.

I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”

[breakfast]

ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup

WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude

It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.