Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.

Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…

With that said, scrambled it is.

*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole

[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.

My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?

At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.

“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”

The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”

He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”

I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.

Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task

“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack

The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.

Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.

him: I got a new tattoo

me: what is it

him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work

me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt

him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat

and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad

CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.

I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season

Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.

Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.

I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.

We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.

Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!

1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*

It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.

Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.

detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?

me: i deleted it.

detective: why?

me: it was all grainy.

pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do

If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling