{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
You Might Also Like
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet