{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
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Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Van Gone
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out