Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.

THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”

ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”

[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real

[Phish concert]

“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”

me: anything interesting happen today?

my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.

*holding a hose*

Husband: What are you doing?

Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.

Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?

Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.

“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard

My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”

10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.

Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG

Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry

Doctor: You need to listen to your body

My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL

boss: you’re late

me: I broke down on the way here

boss: did they tow your car?

me: car?

When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.

[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*

Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.

If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.

Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?

* smiles suggestively *

Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude

*walks in at 3am*

Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.

[front door 5hrs later]

Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?

But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me

Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.

I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook

This tweet lives in my head rent free.

I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.

I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.

I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?

I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat