Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a paramedic]

How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?

I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.

I’m ex-static!

#DadJoke

Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*

A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.

Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.

Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs

Today’s weather from Yorkshire

Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.

The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.

Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.

I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.

I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place

Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.

My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!

Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.

Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”

Me: “Get away from it.”

Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.

You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable

I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg

Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?

Dad: that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health

Me: Dad, there’s an emergency

Dad: use your “always special” cheat code

Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight

As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day

Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.

I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would.

“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk

They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight

[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist

ME: how can i prepare for my date

FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids

ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet