[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
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Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
WTF
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
True