Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?

The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.

You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.

Hmmmmmmm….

Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.

Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.

johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp

Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.

I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.

LUKE: any weekend plans?

OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga

LUKE: omg I have to warn him

No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole

There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together

The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.

pressed play on ‘moana’ on disney plus and they hit me with a trailer for ‘moana 2.’ pissin me off. now i know moana doesn’t die in ‘moana’

It’s either five or nothing bro

– if wet wipes could talk

Edward norton: what’s your power

Me: I recast avenger characters

Mark ruffalo: wait wut

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.

[weapons store]

ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?

I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.

When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.

I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.

“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987

dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton

baa baa black sheep: uhhh

dealer: *narrows eyes*

farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are

“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels

* Finds what I’m looking for

* Can’t remember why I was looking

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich

Raisins are grape jerky.