Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button

[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?

[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me

4-year-old: Dad?

Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.

4:

Me:

4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?

Now I’m awake.

My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.

If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo

Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..

*how I slept

[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes

will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too

one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along

don’t message me unless you have this energy

I made some fish tacos today…

But they just ignored them and swam away…

I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”

Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.

I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.

i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt

Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.

Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.

my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive

me: yeah i guess so

my enemy, ted: want to play a game

I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.

Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.

Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after

Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.

Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.

Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.

Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.

another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car

I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.

Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.

I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.

Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.

[Ouija board]

O spirits, let me talk to m-

C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I

*squints*

What the heck?

A 3G board?