Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus

As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!

*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*

Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?

I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go

Let’s Go

making my dog give me my pills

Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.

Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!

Penny: Please put me down

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

My resolutions are:

1) Stop making any lists.

B) Be more stable.

7) Learn to count.

Do I love my coworkers? No.

But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?

Also no…

[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.

The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.

Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.

I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.

How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.

1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos

ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid

TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier

If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.

vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash

I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.

Egregious Outerwear Lies

Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive

I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined

Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.

Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁

*hears your text message notification beep*

*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*