Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either

Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump

[during sex]

Him: are you on your phone?

Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it

New skill unlocked

Basically.

My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.

Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.

Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*

Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here

Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw

“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”

[from the bushes]
“No”

white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken

Wife: How’d you do?

Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!

Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.

My house: I ALWAYS WIN

A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.

Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂

You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you

I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried

watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth

Yes…

I retweet.

Isn’t that kinda the point?

Spread the love and shit?

Mostly shit…

But that’s your fault…

Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.

weaknesses

[Interrogation]

Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me

*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl

[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit

Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.

I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.

I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??

I’m doing Bikram yoga today.

By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.

It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.

Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood

Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*

Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers

Doctor: You mean selfish?

[30 crabs come out of my pants]

Doctor: Haha here’s some cream