[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
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Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Your secret is safeish with me
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.