Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him

me: i’ll have a steak

waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant

me: oh

waiter:

me: ok i’ll have a vegan

[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”

Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?

“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”

~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad

Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.

live, laugh, laundry.

I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.

That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.

Which is basically the same thing.

I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.

We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.

Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.

My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.

One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!

Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.

Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?

By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.

When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.

“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.

you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken

Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.

I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere

the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”

Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”

Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat

Me: *clapping enthusiastically*

You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho

[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas

Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”

I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”

Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!

Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!

Parents: lol no we meant a real job.