Maybe Humpty Dumpty just had a great Autumn
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
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I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
10 years later if Romeo and Juliet had lived:
Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?
Sigh….trying to watch the game here Julie.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.