*Sees cute barista*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
Never mind. Load it up.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
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I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
-This is my son Michelangelo.
-Oh, like the artist.
-Um no like the Ninja Turtle.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
“Boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses”
-I remind myself as I flirt with the fire extinguisher I’ve mistaken for a cute guy
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago