@iwearaonesie

[commercial for kids]

woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!

narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?

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@BoomBoomBetty

I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years

@Aikiwomannc

Music – rock band

Jehovah’s Witness – knock band

Boats – dock band

Lip synched – mock band

Athletes – jock band

Safe cracker – lock band

Puppet – sock band

Clock maker – tock band

Chicken – b’gok band

Rooster – cock band

@TheHyyyype

ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!

MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal

[later]

ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks

@usermcuserface

10 years later if Romeo and Juliet had lived:
Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?

Sigh….trying to watch the game here Julie.

@KenJennings

I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.

@Staggfilms

ME: my mouth is all itchy

HER: were you in the attic again?

ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?

HER: I’ll speed dial poison control

@EndhooS

*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!

@Browtweaten

me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design

wife: did you make a scene?

me: *crying* several

@carlyken

Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.