[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
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Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar