[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
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“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
FUN DENTIST STORY: I had headphones on as I got dental surgery today and I kept turning up the volume to try to drown out the sound of the drilling. Except, fun fact: I was not pushing the volume button. Instead I…CALLED 911.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one