[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
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FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
This coffee cake doesn’t seem to be helping my alertness at all
I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?
dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Siri: Retweet me.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
oh you wanna fight?!
You ever been to r/foodsafety? It’s literally just a hypochondriac circlejerk. Posts like “this chicken has been in a serving tray for 2 hours what do I do?” “Throw it out, it will kill your whole family!”
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Monday?
No. Next question.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job