@jjhartinger

[Commercial for Legos]

Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?

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@bug_deal

the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now

@Naked_Superman

Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.

Banana: 105 calories.

Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.

@SentenceReduced

A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”

@GrantTanaka

“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate

@DreamExplosive

Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.

@ddsmidt

My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.

@imteddybless

wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard

@Cali_Kid_Mike

“Love means never having to say your sorry.”

– someone who is very single