[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
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Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.