[Commercial for Milk]
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Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
describing stardew valley
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
This is my cat’s medicine.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.
