all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
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Today’s tantrum is brought to you by:
He’s itchy but won’t tell me where
The toy that doesn’t take batteries is apparently out of batteries
I wouldn’t let him eat a tampon
The fish have to stay in the fish tank
His milk was too cold and also wasn’t eggnog
“Oh no. We dripped cheese dip on the cat. I’ll get it”
*she grabs a shirt*
“Hey don’t use that!”
*hands her a chip*
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
My wife does this thing where she hides all my stuff but calls it, “putting them away.”
Cell division, explained:
I wanna leave you trembling and exhausted.
So, can you help me move on Saturday?
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.