@KyleMcDowell86

[commercial for mops]

*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*

“There has to be a better way”

Narrator:MOPS

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@BassoonJokes

all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second

@VisionBored1

Today’s tantrum is brought to you by:

He’s itchy but won’t tell me where

The toy that doesn’t take batteries is apparently out of batteries

I wouldn’t let him eat a tampon

The fish have to stay in the fish tank

His milk was too cold and also wasn’t eggnog

@Sickayduh

“Oh no. We dripped cheese dip on the cat. I’ll get it”
*she grabs a shirt*
“Hey don’t use that!”
*hands her a chip*

@Darlainky

Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.

@WhatsHerFace33

A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!

Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.

@ShesARealGenius

I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.

@KarmaPolice238

My wife does this thing where she hides all my stuff but calls it, “putting them away.”

@justsomegirl81

I wanna leave you trembling and exhausted.

So, can you help me move on Saturday?

@causticbob

5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.