[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
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If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine