Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?

why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free

me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok

if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears

I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me

[asteroid hurling towards earth]

ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule

Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful

[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit

*how fights start*

me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident

him: it’s obvious

me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I

Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.

Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?

Me, licking case: and jam.

ME (calling my horse with no name):

One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment

I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor

12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?

Me: Because I love you.

me: *getting murdered*

wait.. did you wash your hands?

I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.

It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.

I’m about to put on a white shirt.

Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.

I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.

“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”

Haha sure thing kiddo

I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.

ME: Make every guy afraid of me.

GENIE: As you wish.

ME: (a tampon): son of a

🤦🏻‍♀️😂😂

You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”

Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.