[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
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Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
yall want some gasoline milk
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.