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It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
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HEYYYY MACARENA
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape