[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
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ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
We like the way Dwight thinks
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
in the ocean
The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Like your own tweets baby, no one will know anyway.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
