Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money

PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)

Me: *in the dentist chair*

Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.

Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?

Him: *disables smoke alarm*

Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.

Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it

Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?

Tomato: No.

Friend: How long till school starts?

Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.

girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days

Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.

There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”

ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU

ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES

I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?

Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way

a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class

Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.

Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)

By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.

Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.

Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.

He’s like the ocean

Deep and dirty

See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….

“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*

I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role

FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.

FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.

This hospital has everything

When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:

Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?

Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?

Me: why?

Her: who vacuums their bed?

Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.

I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.