[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
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[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Cardio Made Easy
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.