[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
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Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.
if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on