[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
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You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
