Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.

[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*

Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]

me: eat!

7: it’s not fair

10: yea

me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.

5: poop head daddy.

left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird

My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭

date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex

[later]

me: *yelling* avada kedavra

The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious

My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.

i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat

Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?

Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please

Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.

GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today

ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend

A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.

Oh sure so it’s okay for Jesus to raise people back from the dead, but when I, Victor Frankenstein,

“Daddy, I-”

*presses button for soundproof backseat divider

Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”

*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider

[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad

Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this

Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”

bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”

…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??

Me (answers phone): HELL-o

Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83

Me: Please leave a message

I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa

Actual air attendant:

“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”

I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*

[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult

Hahaha

I mean…it’s true!

#facts

#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty

Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result

Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.

Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!