[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
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At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice