Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.

my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”

Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.

*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*

God: you hate the moon.

Wolf: why?

God: he stole your girlfriend.

Wolf: I have a girlfriend?

God: not anymore.

Wolf: because the moon-

God: -stole her yes.

Wolf: I hate the moon.

God: I know.

Wolf: I just miss her so much.

God: let it out.

Wolf: [takes a deep breath]

[being robbed]

Me: careful.. I’m ARMED

*whips out bible

Robber: lol

*pulls gun out of bible

R: oh

*pulls smaller bible out of gun

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

Doctor: There is a drawback to this drug. It really knocks you out. You could be dead to the world for 12 hours or more.

Me: And the drawback?

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean

Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.

Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime

WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus

*Slams suitcase shut*

Me: Case closed.

Judge: Stop doing that.

Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.

Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”

Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”

😬

To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.

If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words

When you let grandma cat sit

[job interview]

Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?

Me: No.

Him: What’s your salary requirement?

Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.

Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?

Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.

As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!

Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.

7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?

me: i guess so

7: and because she likes books?

me: um…yeah

7: but at least she’s pretty right?

me: …let’s watch moana instead

Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.

Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.