[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
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*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
mentally somewhere in italy
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night
Encore…
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.