[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
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I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me
Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE