[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
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“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.
Finally! 😈
Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW