Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.

I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.

I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.

It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.

Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.

The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.

May he RIP in peace.

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he has my lighter

I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head

Win some, lose some

Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats

There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

Some questgivers in Cyberpunk 2077 give you ominous warnings like “DON’T keep me waiting” and it bothers me so much.
If you really want someone shot, something stolen or someplace exploded, you can wait for me to find a pair of jean shorts to complete my outfit.

When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:

*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention

*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going

*someone dropped a penny

Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.

[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin

If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.

I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.

We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.

Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car

If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.

*me being romantic*

[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly

good news everyone

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.

Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?

[Infomercial for Parachutes]

“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*

*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous