Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.

Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.

Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano

[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang

“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever

Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-

Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-

Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*

How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl

Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”

Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.

Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead

I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.

4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.

You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.

Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.

friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you

hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]

me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him

On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.

To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.

HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?

ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us

The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.

The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.

I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!

“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.

Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus

Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.

Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄