Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.

Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.

Somedays I feel like running away.

Then I remember how much I hate running.

“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting

No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.

16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.

Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.

I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.

Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I don’t know when to quit.

Interviewer: You’re hired!

Me: I quit.

N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

the official breakfast of 2021

[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.

My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.

That came out of nowhere.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!

Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?

Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?

Me: Yes

Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.

me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels

In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.

roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who

*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’

Them: how are you?

Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec

hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore

I was living in the moment until I was evicted.

[first day in prison]

me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open

guard: what

I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot