[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
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As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
💀 😭
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life
Every single bad day happened because I woke up
WIFE: So what did you do today?
ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense