[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
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[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
No, I haven’t seen any dogs
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄