Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.

I want hashbrown pills.

~the guy who invented Tater tots

Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.

Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit

When your best mate counts as a desk too

Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes

Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom

Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.

Please don’t leave that cake alone with me

“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]

Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.

*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?

The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’

Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.

WebMD: With the fishes.

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

lifeguard pulling me to shore: what

Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?

[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”

You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?

Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.

Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end

Even Forrest Gump got laid.

This is bullshit.

My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.

Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”

[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?

‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.

Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.

WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.

ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.

Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?

Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…

My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.

What type of magazine do cows read?

Cattlelogs.

The three genders