[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
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Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?