Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before countdowns were invented:

*6:30 at Chili’s*

Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?

I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them

me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say

My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him

boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen

Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit

when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures

An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.

You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?

ME: Of course

BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO

How’s adulting going for me today u ask?

Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car

While using my phone as a flashlight.

Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut

Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem

I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.

Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.

*draws a line in the sand*

*looks at the line in the sand*

*decides that it might be time to vacuum*

Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”

I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.

I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep

Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.

[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]

Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?

Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer

The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.

My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.

Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!

Twitter: nope

I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”

WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF

WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt