[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
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Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Well, this explains it:
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
A ghost story
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?