Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-

ME: Launchpad McQuack

HIM: I don’t think you underst-

ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏

I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.

[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?

me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky

I miss this era type of pranks😭

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments

Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats

I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

Him: How much do you love me?

Me: A bit more than pizza.

Him:

Me: But not as much as coffee.

[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…

*goes to Costco to stock up*

*comes home with all the Doritos*

I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.

[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”

[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts

The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief

Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it

Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.

People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.

DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!

ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?

People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.

They should do a Calculator App Wrapped where it shows you the dumbest calculations you did this year. Real moron stuff like 20% off 20, or 1×8, or 6+9

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice

I only eat vegetarians.

The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.

Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.

My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”

You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.

Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.

I respect that.