Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
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Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Roses are red, you always mattered,
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe