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I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
New mindset, who dis?
me: *drops banger tweet
them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers
me: *drops another tweet
them: oh, I see
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai