Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.

Her: I love your eyes.

Me: Thanks, they were a set…

HER: i’m leaving you

HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?

HER: both

HIM: [under breath] inconceivable

This is always good for a laugh.

LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over

LETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over

*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*

Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world

If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.

ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.

No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.

Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool

That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.

Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.

Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.

I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.

Think you have only one chin? Let your kid take a picture of you from their POV and you will find you are sorely mistaken.

Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?

It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..

No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.

I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”

BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”

Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.

Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.

Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas

I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.

Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

*Hears loud noise*

Me: What are y’all doing?

5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!

ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?

Beware of the “party goblin”…