[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
You Might Also Like
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.