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My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born